Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Holding On Tight

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions- it is by grace you have been saved. Ephesians 2:4-5

I collapsed on the floor leaning against the wall at the foot of his bed, having just cleaned up Andrew, his sheets, and the room once again. It wasn’t really the mess…The exhaustion was from emotional struggle. We were caring for Andrew at home. He was in a coma and repeatedly throwing up each day. I was scared. He had a tracheotomy and thus, was at risk for aspirating every time. Aspiration could cause pneumonia, the leading cause of death for those with neurological decline. I had prayed for God to solve this problem. Begged..., pleaded with God… and yet again he threw up. Tonight I’d had enough. I sat against the wall and cried.

God I’ve had it, I prayed. You are just going to do whatever you want any way. I know...; you are sovereign. What I want and what I say just doesn’t matter. I have had it with you and this whole thing. Do whatever you are going to do. You are just going to anyway. But I’m done. I am tired of praying, of bringing problems to you that go unsolved. I am done praying. Do whatever you want. I’m done.

Yes, I vented, I ranted and I railed at God. My pain was so great. I was too tired. I was done… We have all been there. How thankful we can be that, just like a parent, God’s shoulders are big enough to take all that we dish out. That is what God showed me that day. For, as I told God off and wanted to turn my back on him, God didn’t let go of me. As I sat in a heap crying and quitting, I physically felt God’s arms around me, holding on tight. I wanted to let go of Him. He wouldn’t let go of me.

When God wouldn't act the way I wanted, I rejected him. But He refused to reject me. I realized that day as He held me, there was nothing I could do to earn God’s love or make Him love me any more or any less. God loves simply because that is His essence, who He is. He loved us before we were worthy, evidenced by His giving us His own son while we were still sinners. He loves us whether we welcome Him or reject Him. And when we do come to him, he welcomes us as we are--doubts, questions, pain and all. He has a sovereign plan for each of us. Because of the fallen state we live in, it often contains challenges we do not like or understand. But whatever our journey holds, God promises to be there with us through it all, providing strength, guidance, and comfort. He reminds us that in him, there will be an end to our temporary troubles as he offers an eternal lifetime of joy and peace.

Don’t hesitate to come to his loving arms today. He has them open, ready and waiting for you.

1 comment:

  1. Juli,

    This is so beautiful. I'm so sorry that you, and Andrew went through such a terrible and painful time. The feeling of praying and begging to God, and yet terrible things continue to happen, is certainly familiar to me.

    "He reminds us that in him, there will be an end to our temporary troubles as he offers an eternal lifetime of joy and peace." - Thank you so much for this reminder this morning!