Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Never Over

I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. Philippians 4:11

As mentioned previously, I plan to streamline my writing. I've mentioned that this blog will likely end. It's been a year and a half...12 years since my journey with grief first began. Long enough, right?

Wrong.

I don't know how I thought time had anything to do with grief. I HAVE been dealing with this for over a decade! I know better.

This past weekend grief knocked me up side the head - hard. I still haven't managed to get up off the ground from where it left me.

The trigger?

Mother's Day.

Today is May first. Mother's Day is just around the corner.

Maybe the role of teacher makes it a little harder this year. I want my students and their Moms to have that same joy I shared with Peter when he came home from school the Friday before declaring "You can't go in my backpack Mom. I have a special surprise in there.... Daddy has to help me unpack today...Don't follow me Mom. I have to unpack my bag in my room...." I loved that he wanted to surprise me. I loved seeing evidence of his love, no matter how small, how handmade, how trivial. So we are busy at work in our classroom creating something special.

But whatever the cause, Sunday I woke up thinking about Peter's Faith Book. It's a photo album journal I created for him, journaling how we saw God work in his life. I'd planned to give it to him for graduation when he was 18.

I kept it current through a year past his diagnosis. So many God moments! So much to celebrate!

I woke up Sunday thinking I needed to finish it.

"But why?" whispered through my mind. "Who do you have to give it to? What's the point?"

And that blow knocked me flat. It's over. There isn't anyone else.

I truly am satisfied and OK with Peter's journey. I am content with his peace and the huge success of his life.

I just hate that being a mother has ended.

It helped so much when Andrew passed, that Peter still filled our lives. We kept Andrew present in our family by sharing him with Peter.

I hate that my house is empty.

Mother's Day is just compounding that fact, keeping me on my knees.

So here I am at the foot of the cross, again laying down my desires, entrusting myself to God's perfect plan.

He knows my heart. It makes his hurt too.

He's whispered to me of spiritual children, the impact on my students, the lives that will be touched when the book is complete.

But as any Grandmother knows, the longing to mother never ends.

God must truly work deep in my heart to help me be as Paul describes, content in all things.

Would appreciate your prayers....
I need them.

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